Surrogacy: An Experienced Surrogate's Perspective

When considering or just getting started with surrogacy few things have a bigger impact than real stories from real people.

Experienced surrogates K, J, G, H, C and A answered a few questions in hopes of helping other women navigate the early stages of the process.

• Deciding whether surrogacy is right for them.

• Managing their expectations.

• Preparing themselves and their loved ones for what is to come.

These women are from various backgrounds and locations, and they range in age from their 20s to 40s. They matched with a wide array of parents whether domestic or international, same sex or heterosexual, single or married but they all have one thing in common. Surrogacy.

First things first, what made you want to become a surrogate?

K: I've always known that I wanted to help grow families in some capacity. I always thought it might be with egg donation but I eventually aged out of that. After meeting my husband, we decided that we did not want to start over parenting small children again but loved the idea of helping other families' dreams come true. 

J: I have always felt a pull towards surrogacy. My heart has always wanted to do surrogacy, and god willing my body has went right along with the plan. :) I truly love being pregnant and love everything baby! I truly love love love babies! 

G:  The thought of how self-less someone could be to want to share their body to help others have a child of their own. Children are the greatest gift there is. I felt honored to be able to help a family grow!

H: I wanted to be a surrogate to help build someone else’s family that may not be able to on their own. My previous pregnancies were both enjoyable and mostly worry free so I felt I would be a good candidate to carry for someone else.

C: At first, I wanted to donate my eggs but I was already 31 at the time so my age was a factor in not being able to do so. With that, I started getting ads to become a surrogate so I did some research, talked it over with my husband and applied. 

A:  I have always felt called to use my life for something greater and becoming a surrogate was just that. Surrogacy is such an empowering journey and I've been fortunate to have amazing pregnancies, so the ability to help others grow a family is the most rewarding gift.

What was the most rewarding part of your journey(s)? 

K: It's so much fun celebrating all of the unique milestones hit during your surrogacy journey but my absolute favorite part is the birth day. Bearing witness to the moment in time where people become parents and hold their baby they have spent their entire lives dreaming about is the greatest honor to participate in. That feeling cannot be explained and it never gets old. 

J: I have been so blessed being matched with the BEST IP’s. I love still being connected to the dads and the babies. I really enjoyed sharing the pregnancy with other people that see pregnancy as miraculous as I do, and the emotions at the birth and the pure joy and happiness the babies brought to their parents is indescribable. 

G: Watching the parents meet their new baby for the first time. Seeing the family grow from 2-3 and the love they have to give. This is one of the most proud moments of my life.

H: The most rewarding part of my journey was definitely seeing baby in his mom’s arms for the first time. Such a magical moment to be a part of. 

C:  The transfer was exciting because the IPs were there and super hopeful and of course the delivery! We all got emotional, and it was such an amazing moment to share with them! 

A: The most rewarding part of my journey was the conquering feeling of getting to deliver a beautiful, healthy baby to my IP's.

What was the most difficult part of your journey(ies)?

K: Everyone always assumes saying goodbye to baby is the hardest part but what no one tells you is that saying goodbye to those international parents is what will rip your heart out. We spend all this time bonding over arguably the most intimate journey of their lives and then one day, they just have to go home. It's bittersweet. It's like saying goodbye to your best friends that are going away to college. 

J: Probably the medication/shots (which are tolerable) it’s short lived and SO worth it! Knowing that small sacrifice will hopefully result is a beautiful little babe being able to bless their family is all worth it, every poke! 

G: Going into the journey I prepared myself by reminding myself it was not my baby and I did not want a baby at the time so I was not worried about 'baby fever'. It was not difficult in the slightest handing the baby over to the parents. It was a bitter sweet moment saying goodbye to the family when it was time for them to go home though. We grew so close over the many months of the pregnancy. I was lucky enough to be able to visit quite a few times after baby was born before the family left to go home. The family and I agreed we wanted to stay in touch after. Years later, we still keep in touch and send monthly updates!

H: The most difficult part for me personally was having more doctor appointments than normal. We live about an hour or so away from the doctor and commuting twice a week at the end became a bit bothersome.

C: There was nothing difficult, everything was pretty smooth throughout so I’m lucky. 

A: The most difficult part of my journey was definitely the waiting game to see if the embryo transfer was successful!

Were your family and friends supportive?

K: My friends and family had a lot of questions about how I planned to navigate this safely and ethically. I was able to calm a lot of nerves when I had well researched and thought out responses to their questions. 

J: Supportive is an understatement. I have an amazing support system! 

G: My mom wished she was able to be a surrogate when she was younger. Due to medications she was on, she was not able to. She was so invested in the entire journey. Every step of the way she was their with me. Having a family member be so supportive of a big choice like this made the process easier and it was fun to share with her what was happening. We were both learning about what goes into being a surrogate at the same time. 

H: Most of my family and friends were supportive. There were a few that were not necessarily supportive but didn’t try to keep me from doing it. 

C: Absolutely! My husband was my biggest support system and was there with me every step of the way! 

A: I am so blessed to have the greatest family and friends - they cheered me on every step of the way! 

If there were individuals who were not supportive how did you navigate those relationships?

K: Not everyone shared the same enthusiasm as I did about carrying a strangers baby. Some of those people felt inclined to "warn" me about the rare but possible horror story they heard about 1 time 7 years ago from an unverified online source. The people that couldn't find a way to support me (if only in silence) were not included in my journey. I just couldn't taint such a joyous event with naysayers.  Unfortunately for them, they missed out on some of the most powerful moments of my life.

J: Ignored them. I try my hardest to keep only positive people in my circle. Honestly, my support group is so amazing, if someone made a snarky comment about surrogacy and my journeys, my village stepped in and spoke up before I even could. 

G: n/a

H: I did have family that wasn’t really supportive. When it came to those people I just didn’t discuss anything related to the surrogacy or pregnancy with them. They also seemed to think that I had only done it for the money. They were wrong but I chose not to argue and give them any of my energy over it. I chose to just ignore their thoughts and comments if they made any. 

C: There were a few people at work who questioned if I was making the right decision and that it would be difficult to give up the baby, but I ignored their concerns since I knew in my heart I was making the right decision. ❤️

A: In my case, most of my interactions regarding surrogacy were positive, however I went into it knowing that not everyone may understand and that's okay too. The biggest question I would get is if I felt attached, but my heart was so invested into my IP's story that it was a totally different experience and connection carrying their baby.

What were the most important factors you took into consideration when choosing a surrogacy agency, consultant, liaison, etc? 

K: I wanted representation that knew to ask the questions I wouldn't have known to ask. I am not shy and I am a good advocate for myself, but you simply don't know what you don't know and I wanted someone on my team that could brace me for what I was to expect next and how I could prepare.  

J: I kept my morals in mind. I value life and the life of the unborn. I make it very clear early on in the process that I will not terminate a healthy baby if my life is not at risk, or the life of the babies so I kindly ask that I am not matched with anyone who would expect me to go against those morals I have. 

G: The beliefs, morals and what the company stood for. 

H:  I didn’t choose my agency, it pretty much chose me. I would not have wanted a different agency if I had the choice though. The things I love about the agency we used were they were very communicative, helpful, understanding and knowledgable. They helped me to deal with anything that may have been difficult. They made me feel very welcome and I feel very grateful for having them throughout the process. 

C: The attentiveness and communication of the agency was a big factor for me, and of course the benefits package.

A:  I didn’t really start my journey with any sort of expectation, but now being on the postpartum side of things, I can wholeheartedly say agency is key! ... There was weekly check-ins and consistent support all along the way. Dream team!

What advice would you offer a first-time surrogate?

K: BUILD A COMMUNITY. No one, I repeat, no one besides a fellow surrogate could possibly understand the complex nuanced emotions that go into a journey from a carrier's perspective. Building a supportive community is imperative because while we try, the events of surrogacy often cannot be planned. It feels good knowing you are not alone in a process you have no control in but yet simultaneously takes control over your body. 

J: Know your value! Make sure you choose an agency/coordinator who cares about you and is willing to be very clear and transparent. Don’t undervalue yourself . Also, just enjoy the process- all of it. It’s such a beautiful experience and a beautiful thing you are doing. 

G: Ask questions along the way. No question is a dumb question in this journey, truly. Take time to get to know your family you're helping to grow. I did, and now I have a second family across the country I feel just as close to as my own biological family.

H: Go with the flow. It may be different than your previous pregnancies and it’s important to be able to adjust your thoughts and expectations as things change. Additionally, you will get asked if you’re worried about giving the baby up, but for me that was not an issue. I went into it knowing that it was not my baby and that I was essentially just babysitting. There was a day or so after delivery that I was a bit weepy but I personally did not feel like I was missing the baby. I was very happy for him to be able to go with his mom and dad. 

C: Make sure everything feels right for you and that no part of the process is too stressful. You will be in constant communication with the IPs so having a strong bond with them is important. Make sure you feel that connection and if something is off, trust your intuition. It is the most rewarding thing you will ever experience.

A: Enjoy the journey! You are amazing, selfless, and stronger than you know. 

If you could tell the world one thing about surrogacy what would it be?

K: Surrogacy is not a loss; Surrogates are not giving up our babies. Surrogacy is a gift. Surrogacy is love. Surrogacy is the embodiment of power that women possess. 

J: It’s beautiful! The purest of joys watching a family grow and a beautiful baby coming into the world. 

G: There aren't enough surrogates out there. For a surrogate to share her body for a year to grow a baby for another family will allow the family a lifetime of joy and memories they might not get otherwise.

H: Surrogacy is one of the most wonderful experiences to be a part of. There will be difficulties but it is well worth it in the end to be able see a family grow. 

C: You are making a huge impact on one couples life and the biggest gift you could ever give them. Most have been waiting years to have a child of their own so you are making their dreams come true. 

A: The journey is WORTH it! 

I encourage you to comment any questions you would like answered for the next 'Experienced Surrogate's Perspective' post.